I drove like wild fire to Camden (shit hole) NJ to get to Sir Sting on time. I made it in two hours flat and I was a minute early. Gorgeous weather and lots of smiles surrounded the Tweeter Center, which must be directly on the border of Philly, PA and Camden, NJ.

This was the first show of the summer tour in which –     

–  Annie Lennox would be opening for Sting and somewhere during the show they do one or two songs together. I massaged Sting for almost 2 hours before the show. He is in GREAT spirits, calm, happy and incredibly healthy looking. He even feels healthy. His hair is getting long he looks amazing. He said that “Trudie loved you” to me, which is always nice to hear.

My all time favorite Tour Manager, hands down, William Francis was in good spirits too,

even carried my super heavy massage table for me  

William has the sharpest sense of humor going, he makes me laugh with his cheeky comments

 and British sense of humor, which makes my work heaven on earth. Most wouldn’t understand me when I say, that it is not only the artist/stars that make my job so fun, but it is the people like William and Alan Dunn (Stones) etc etc, that are like family for me. Sure, we have tiny fights like everyone does, but it only strengthens the bond. You DO NOT want to make William mad, he is a fire cracker, but so I am, it is somehow funny if we have a “word”. Also, I have something in common with the people who dedicate their lives to the music biz, they are always on the road, living out of suitcases, will drop everything for the artist and the love of music, you have to love music in order dedicate yourself properly. It’s the Rock and Roll family. I feel at home backstage, like it’s my habitat or something! I love how it operates so smoothly and all (and the catering or course).

It has taken me years to learn the vibe of backstage, to know how to stay out of the way, or be there exactly when needed. You have to know the rules and respect the scene. You have to know when is the time to ask for an autograph and when not to even think about it. Call it Backstage Awareness if you will. I massaged Stings Percussionist after I massaged Sting, his name is Rhani Krija.  He is from Morocco, but was raised in France and went to school for a long time in Germany. So we spoke German together the whole time, in fact, as soon as he found out I spoke German, he wouldn’t speak English anymore. Very strong dude, and super cool. Then after a while, the one and only Dominic Miller, Stings guitarist who gets to open the show with a show of his own, broke out his guitar and started warming up  

 Dominic is charming, deep, intelligent and very attractive. Somehow he reminds me of how Mick Jagger used to look in the Seventies. Hot.

“Dominic Miller was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina in 1960. He spent his boyhood in Argentina, moving to Racine, Wisconsin in 1970. He started to learn guitar at the age of 15, and later studied with Sabastio Tapajos and at London’s Guildhall School of Music where his contemporaries included violinist Nigel Kennedy and Mike Lindup of Level 42. He met producer Hugh Padgham in 1989, which led to him playing on Phil Collins’ But Seriously album and then Sting’s The Soul Cages album in 1991. Dominic has since worked with Sting on every album and tour since 1991, and Sting describes him as being “my right hand and my left hand.”

I will massage Dominic on Wednesday and I do hope I get to massage Annie someday soon, I ADORE that woman, but don’t we all?

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)                                          
Annie Lennox

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas
Everybody’s looking for something.

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.

---

Even after 6 hours of driving and 3 hours of massage, I was still on the ball. Eric Clapton’s manager wanted a massage, so I went to his rescue. I have known Mick for years. He is wicked funny and should have been in Monty Pythons Flying circus, he looks and acts the part. He said Eric is in top form and in a SUPER good mood AND is playing better than he ever has. So, if you are on your way to one of the Clapton shows, you are sure to be pleased. He told me that Billy Preston will be joining the band up in Boston, that will be DYNAMITE!

In NYC, it is raining music, and I say, let it rain, let it rain.

“The rain is falling through the mist of sorrow that surrounded me.
The sun could never thaw away the the bliss that lays around me.

  Let it rain, let it rain,
  Let your love rain down on me.
  Let it rain, let it rain,
  Let it rain, rain, rain.

Her life was like a desert flower burning in the sun.
Until I found the way to love, it’s harder said than done.

  Chorus

Now I know the secret; there is nothing that I lack.
If I give my love to you, you’ll surely give it back.”  Eric Clapton

Dr. Dot

Last night I went out to eat with my ol’ pal Tim Carmon -check him out:

 

Keyboards player Tim was trained at the USA’s Duke Ellington School of Arts, and is also a drummer and vocalist.   He has performed live with, among many others, Babyface, Gladys Knight, Lalah Hathaway, Jon B., Shai and Wayman Tisdale, and acted as musical director for artist including Eric Benet, Kenny Lattimore, II D’Extreme and Something For The People.  On television he has backed many of the above-named artist as well as Mary J. Blige, Gerald Albright, Mavis Staples, Ron Isley and others.  Tim’s recording credits include playing on Peter Andre’s “Owe It All To You”, Vybe’s “Knock Me Off My Feet”, Gerald Albright’s “About Last Night”, Eric Benet’s “Smile”, II D’Extreme’s “You Can Have My Love” and the Solid Rock Christian Choir’s “Live in D.C.”

As a songwriter or producer Tim has worked on many recordings, including Something For The People’s “There I Go/ You Don’t Have To Be Alone”, nine songs on II D’Extreme’s From One Extreme to Another,  Lalah Hathaway’s remixed “Let Me Love You” and Beverly Crawford’s “If I Can Dream”.

---

He brought a friend of his along, Vadim, a funny  Russian guy (with a Southern accent) who is currently on tour playing guitar for Earth, Wind and Fire. Knowing that I would be massaging musicians from two of the best bands in the world made my meal taste better. Vadim even plays with Chicago when the two bands play “If you leave me now” together. Imagine that, Earth, Wind and Fire playing with Chicago. Oh god, I would watch and dance to every song- no pee breaks! Tim is wicked funny and tried to beat me once at table soccer, but lost sadly- but then Eric gave me the ass-whoopin’ of my life and that humbled me. I am sure he (Eric) can beat anyone at that game.     Here is a photo I took of Tim a few years ago, he is smiling because we hadn’t started yet.He thought he would win, tsk tsk. 🙂

Time for another rematch.

Tim has invited me out to LA to his studio to have me sing some tracks.I love to sing but could never tour like the rock stars do, it’s HELL! Different place everyday, never know where the good food is and freaks like me with a sleeping disorder, well, forgettaboutit.

I will go there and sing, record some tracks, but who the hell knows when.Tim says LA is great, but he will have to convince me, because from what I have seen of LA, it SUCKS. I hated it with a passion. Sure the weather is gorgeous and the palm trees too, but there is no culture and everyone is full of SHIT.”Who do you know!?” Is the first question people ask you. FUCK OFF! The men, even the straight ones, have groomed eye brows and wear make up, everyday. And of course, I have to quote my hero, Mr. Frank Zappa, as his opinion of LA hits the nail on the head, this is “Tinsel town Rebellion”

From madam wong’s to starwood
To the whiskey on the strip
You can hear the crashing, blasting strum
Of bands that come to be real hip
And get a record contract
From a talent scout some day
They’ll sell their ass, their cocks and balls
They’ll take the check ‘n’ walk away
If they’re lucky they’ll get famous
For a week or two perhaps
They’ll buy some ugly clothes to wear
And hope the business don’t collapse
Before some stupid magazine
Decides they’re really good
They’re a tinsel town rebellion band
From downtown hollywood

Tinsel town rebellion, tinsel town rebellion band
It’s a little bitty tinsel town rebellion
A tinsel town rebellion band

They used to play all kinds of stuff
And some of it was nice
Some of it was musical
But then they took some guy’s advice
To get a record deal, he said,
They would have to be more punk
Forget their chops and play real dumb
Or else they would be sunk
So off they go to s.i.r. to learn some stupid riffs
And practice all their poses
In between their powder sniffs

Chop a line now, snort it up now
And when they think they’ve got it
They launch a new career
Who gives a fuck if what they play
Is somewhat insincere

Tinsel town rebellion, tinsel town rebellion band
A tinsel town rebellion,
A tinsel town rebellion band
Did you know that in tinsel town the people down there
Think that substance is a bore
And if your new wave group looks good
They’ll hurry on back for more
Of leather groups and plastic groups
And groups that look real queer
The tinsel town aficionados
Come to see and not to hear
But then again this system works
As perfect as a dream
It works for all of those record company pricks
Who come to skim the cream
From the cesspools of excitement
Where jim morrison once stood
It’s the tinsel town rebellion
From downtown hollywood

Is everybody happy?
Oh never mind!
No problem!

---

And one more, his song FLAKES is also the fucking bomb, from the

” Sheik Yerbouti” album:

Flakes! flakes!
Flakes! flakes!
They don’t do no good
They never be workin’
When they oughta should
They waste your time
They’re wastin’ mine
California’s got the most of them
Boy, they got a host of them

Swear t’god they got the most
At every business on the coast
Swear t’god they got the most
At every business on the coast
They got the flakes

Flakes! flakes!

They can’t fix yer brakes
You ask ’em, “where’s my motor?”
“well, it was eaten by snakes…”
You can stab ‘n’ shoot ‘n’ spit
But they won’t be fixin’ it
They’re lyin’ an’ lazy
They can be drivin’ you crazy

Swear t’god they got the most
At every business on the coast
Swear t’god they got the most
At every business on the coast
Take it away, bob…

I asked as nice as i could
If my job would
Somehow be finished by friday
Well, them whole damn weekend
Came ‘n’ went, frankie
Wanna buy some mandies, bob?
‘n’ they didn’t do nothin’
But they charged me double for sunday

You know, no matter what you do,
They gonna cheat ‘n’ rob you
Then they’ll send you a bill
That’ll get your senses reelin’
And if you do not pay
They got computer collectors
That’ll get you so crazy
’til your head’ll go through th’ ceilin’
Yes it will!

I’m a moron, ‘n’ this is my wife
She’s frosting a cake
With a paper knife
All what we got here’s
American made
It’s a little bit cheesey,
But it’s nicely displayed
Well we don’t get excited when it
Crumbles ‘n’ breaks
We just get on the phone
And call up some flakes
They rush on over
‘n’ wreck it some more
‘n’ we are so dumb
They’re linin’ up at our door
Well, the toilet went crazy
Yersterday afternoon
The plumber he says
Never flush a tampoon!
This great information
Cost me half a week’s pay
And the toilet blew up
Later on the next day-ay-eee-ay
Blew up the next day
Woo-ooo

We are millions ‘n’ millions,
We’re coming to get you
We’re protected by unions
So don’t let it upset you
Can’t escape the conclusion
It’s probably god’s will
That civilization
Will grind to a standstill
And we are the people
Who will make it all happen
While yer children is sleepin’,
Yer puppy is crappin’
You might call us flakes
Or something else you might coin us
But we know you’re so greedy
That you’ll probably join us

We’re coming to get you, we’re coming to get you

---

Tomorrow and Sunday I will be massaging Sting and his tour manager, William again, they are my most frequent customers at this point. They are also a blast to hang with, so it doesn’t feel like work. 

Obviously I am a music junkie, no way around it.

Gotta hit the sack

Dr.

 

One great thing about having my column in the Ex-Berliner magazine, is that I can write really blunt, you know, rated R if I want/need to. Land of the free?                                                                                  I don’t even think you can SEE how cold I was, as my tits just shrank up inside me, like a mans balls would in such FREEZING weather. This is one of the photos from the Ex-Berliner cover shoot. The smile is FORCED out of me, it is so cold at that time (8pm) and it was colder than a whores heart that day. In fact, I think that is the only day I saw the dam sun in Berlin. No, the day I was leaving, the sun came out full force, as a one final “fuck you” to me on the way to the airport (where I get scathed for being American) what a day. I did snap some shots of my house and street to give you an idea of what it looks like there. Notice there is NO trash or even gum on the ground? It is so clean there you can eat off the street. Shot above is my street, next to it is the front of my house, below is the courtyard, it is SUPER quiet.Below left is Lucy, my half Rotweiler-Pitbull mix. She and Frankie would make GORGEOUS puppies if they ever got to meet and breed. Frankie has been castrated, poor fella.   That thing on Lucys nose is not to pervent her from ripping your ass off, it is to prevent her from pulling MY ass down the street.  Look how CUTE Frankie is too, yanking on the rope. He growls viciously and LOUD during tug of war. Tough guy. ASK DR. DOT  (Ex-Berliner Column)

“You give skin care advice don’t you Doctor?” Yes, I told him. He whipped his pants down to show me many red bumps all over the skin between his belly button and penis. “My wife likes a clean shaven genital area, so I have been getting Brazilian waxes for her, to encourage her to spend more time down there, but when the hair grows back in, I break out and it is itchy and looks nasty.”
Yes, I agreed, it looks unflattering. Well, I gave the guy a sample of this lotion you can get at most beauty supply outlets, called “Tend Skin.” Apply at night and again after shaving, this will help.
Let me just comment on this whole metro-sexual trend that queer eye for the straight guy has started. Women usually like the natural look, and if you have too much hair down there, trim it with scissors, but going through all that pain and trouble to make it look nice for her/him, well, I just don’t see the point. First of all, men’s genitals are not the prettiest things on earth, so the hair kind of camouflages it which is a good thing. Second, most women orgasm better when they are on top by rubbing their clit on the aforementioned area, between the navel and penis. If it is hairy, put some KY lube on there so she can slide better, but by shaving, well, you are bound to have SOME stubble there and this will hurt her clit like a cheese grater would. I personally like a guy to look like a GUY, hairy and all, not plucked, waxed and dyed (unless you are a porn star, why bother?). But if you insist on dragging your hairy ass down to Heidi the German bikini wax pro, then pick up some astringent for your bald jewels while you are at it.

Dr. Dot, “I partied all night long and need to look gorgeous tomorrow, help!” That is an easy one. After your drinking binge, go home and eat something, say a piece of pizza (hey, if you drink all that a few carbs won’t matter anymore) or a baked potato to absorb some of the poison heading towards your poor liver. Swallow a couple aspirins and sleep as much as you can (with window open for fresh air).
Morning: For an immediate face lift and zit killer, take a couple aspirins (the BEST is to squash a couple with an Alka-Seltzer pill) and crush them with the bottom of a glass into powder form. Add a half teaspoon of water and mix to form a paste. Quickly take paste, rub it over face in circular motion, avoiding eyes. You should feel a tingly sensation that slightly burns. Leave on for five minutes or more, preferably lying on your back with legs straight up against the wall to kill two birds with one stone. You could even lie there for 10 or 20 minutes letting the blood leave your legs and head towards your face, making you feel and look rested. Wash off and take an ice cube, get it wet and smooth all over face, including under eyes. Then moisturize face with sun block and under eyes with a dab of Vaseline. Take some vitamin C tablets, a cup of strong coffee. If you are a woman, use minimal eye make up, but darker lip shade than normal (distract em from your tired eyes) and tie hair back for instant face lift. Visine to top off the routine and you should look as good as new for the day, then go home and sleep your ass off and don’t do that again (until next week).

I massaged a man who lives in the SAME apartment building as Charlotte does in Sex and the City. Park ave- SAME building. How fun that was (and lucrative).

Gotta go, sand man is whipping sand in my eyes

Dr.Dot

This individual seeks an executive position.  He will be available next
January, and is willing to relocate.
  RESUME
  GEORGE W. BUSH
  1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
  Washington, DC 20520

  EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
  Law Enforcement:
  I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the
influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver’s
license suspended for 30 days.  My Texas driving record has been “lost” and
is not available.

  Military:
  I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a
drug test  or  answer  any  questions about my drug use.  By joining the
Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

  College:
  I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.  I was a
cheerleader.

  PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
  I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.  I began my career in the oil business
in Midland, Texas, in 1975.  I bought an oil company, but couldn’t find any
oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I
bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land
using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil
industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

  ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
  I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, Texas the
most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los
Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.  I cut taxes and bankrupted
the Texas treasury to the tune of
  billions in borrowed money.  I set the record for the most executions by
any governor in
  American history.
         With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my
father’s appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing
by over 500,000 votes.

  ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
  I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal
record.  I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week.  I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively
bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.  I shattered the record for the largest annual
deficit in U.S. history.  I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.  I set the all-time record for
most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
  I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S.
stock market.  In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost
their jobs and that trend continues every month.  I’m proud that the members
of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My
“poorest millionaire,” Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after
her.
  I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.
  My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends,
Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S.
History, Enron.
  My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to
assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.
I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation
or prosecution.  More time and money was spent investigating the Monica
Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest
corporate rip-offs in history.
  I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.  I
presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.  I changed the
U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to  administration than any President
in U.S. history.
  I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in
the history of the United States government.
         I’ve broken more international treaties than any President in U.S.
history.
         I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations
remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
         I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
         I refused to allow inspector’s access to U.S. “prisoners of war”
detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
         I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations
election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
         I set the record for the fewest numbers of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.
         I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year
period.  After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the
worst security failure in U.S. history.
         I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World
Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated
country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
         I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), the record
for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
         I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,
pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation.
         I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of
U.S. citizens, and the world community.
         I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut
in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
         In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for
attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
         I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans
(71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
         I am supporting development of a nuclear “Tactical Bunker Buster,”
a WMD.
         I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden
to justice.

  RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
         All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my
father’s library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
         All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my
bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
         All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President,
attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and
unavailable for public review.

  PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004!
  PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW!

---

Back in the US now. Got thrashed BIG time at the Berlin airport by an employee for being American “Go back to BUSH!” she snapped. Got lots of shit for being a yank over there.Can’t please em all I suppose. Happy Fathers Day daddy-o and yesterday was Jasmines Birthday- chaos pure.

Jet lagged as expected

Dr.

Oh, thanks to my pal John for the Bush joke  😉

VOTE!

BOULEVARD BERLIN  Sting in Berlin: Massage bei Dr. Dot   Sting mit Promi-Masseurin Dr. Dot Foto: Dr. Dot Er schrieb und schrieb und schrieb. Mega-Star Sting (52, “Englishman in New York”) gab gestern Mittag eine Stunde lang Autogramme. Im Kultur-Kaufhaus Dussmann (Friedrichstraße 90) signierte der Musiker seine Autobiografie “Broken Music”. Sting zur Begrüßung kurz und knapp in fließendem Deutsch: “Guten Morgen alle, ich bin Sting.” Und die Fans standen Schlange! Schließlich war dies der einzige Autogrammtermin, den sein Verlag (S. Fischer) in Deutschland veranstaltete. Bei seinem Berlin-Besuch hatte Sting auch Ehefrau Trudie Styler, 46, und seinen jüngsten Sohn Giacomo, 8, mitgebracht. Am Abend rockte der Ex-Police-Bassist (“Message in a bottle”) dann in der Waldbühne. Danach sollte es eine Massage zum Entspannen geben – von Promi-Masseurin Dr. Dot (alias Dorothy Stein), 33. Die kennt Sting seit sieben Jahren – und knetete auch schon Rolling-Stone Mick Jagger, 60, und Schauspieler Bruce Willis, 49. (This doesn’t say much except about what Sting and his clan were up to while in Berlin- good press)

---

You know me, I never brown nose or give compliments if I don’t really mean them. Trudie is absolutely beautiful! She looks better in person than she does in photos or on TV. You know how some chicks look better without make up? She is one of those women. She has flawless skin, piercing green-blue eyes and full pink lips. No wonder Sting is crazy about her. She is very tiny and fit, so light I could pick her up with one hand. I had a great time massaging her and getting to see her shoe collection. She has nice taste in shoes!  I got to meet their youngest son as I was leaving. He grabbed my cell phone out of my hand (he is 9 years old) and asked in a cute English accent what kind of cell that was. Adorable! Girls will be throwing themselves at him in about 6 years.

I gave Trudie a mini facial during the massage, and she looked so radiant after, I am sure Sting wondered later what she had been up to 😉

ABOVE: View from Sting and Trudies Grand Suite at the Ritz. This area is called Potsdamer Platz.

What amazing people they are. What a family.Stings tour manager, William, was in a great mood, he let my gal pal go backstage and meet everyone. She is still “high” off of the excitement, the buzz you get when you first meet Sir Sting. I have to slap her to wake her up out of it.”He is such a gentleman” she keeps repeating herself. “A MARRIED gentleman” I keep reminding her 🙂

Even though I could write for hours about how cool Trudie is, I have to get ready for the photo-shoot and I am NOT looking forward to freezing my ass off in a bikini. It is COLD here in Berlin and I was just told last night why the heaters don’t work. In Germany, they shut everyone’s heat off around June 1st. Even if you WANT heat, you have to wait until Sept. or until three consecutive nights of 12 degrees Celsius come around, then they turn it back on. Hello, I would like to decide if I need heat or not thank you.

Thought the dictator crap was long gone. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Gotta shoot off now

Dr.

Can’t write long, I am off to massage Trudie Styler, Stings wife. I have never massaged her before,so I am a bit excited.I will massage her man after the sold out concert.

I guess I forgot how beautiful Berlin could be at times

 Mind you, I still stand by my opinion that it is filled with self-righteous bitchy Berliners, but it is still interesting. I hated it mainly because I was “stuck” in a bad relationship for so long, but now that is long over, I can relax and try to enjoy the city while I am here. I told the ex (who played the “I only want you when I can’t have you” game for too long and LOST) that if he even contacts me again, I will (GASP) call his MOMMY! And that stalking shit came to a screeching halt. German guys are REALLY afraid of their mommies ( and even more so of their Grannys! If you call in the Granny, then it is all out war).All I can say about that chapter without crying is “No more DRAMA” (Mary J. Blige said it best).

The photo above is the Berliner SPREE river. This photo below is Sabine (good pal and old next door neighbor)  Bjoern (pal and German Agent) and I at the Ex Berliner party, which was TOO SMOKEY and hot, so Sabina and I bolted after 20 minutes. The Germans smoke up a fucking storm and you get cancer just breathing in at  a club. On Saturday, Thomas (my Berlin male massage assistant)Jasmine, Lana and I all drove to the Berlinova Festival, which was supposively 90 minutes south of Berlin.

Bullocks! It took us HOURS to get there and then to find it once in the area was impossible. NO SIGNS amongst the miles of fields.Anyways, Jasmine and her pal Lana (photo above) had a BLAST slam dancing and raising hell. I had a tiny bit of pleasure kicking everyone’s ass at the Fussball (table soccer) game.

We were asked to be there to massage the masses of Rock and Punk artist there, but I only gave two massages the whole time(as it was too cold to strip off) and Thomas gave a mini massage in the catering tent to a HOTTIE called Hadl, the singer(?) of the band Everest. He is 24; chain-smokes and has NO IDEA who Robert Plant is. Notice he has my flyer in his right hand 🙂

One of the guys in the band argued that most of the music I love is “DEAD”. He asked “Who do you listen to?”. I told him “Frank Zappa”. “He is DEAD!” He whined.”I love the Beatles too”. Again “Uh, aren’t they dead?” I don’t see how you can play or write music without learning the roots and how can one not appreciate, not love, but appreciate what the “dead” artist have banged out? I told them you better pray to GOD that when you guys die, someone will still listen to your music. They must not be too popular yet, as they played at 11:30AM at a festival that started at 11:00am and went on all night.Hadl is so fucking gorgeous, he looks like Brad Pitt, but younger and sexier. BUT, hot or not, looks don’t insure you a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The music world is so fickle, it’s like ‘Here today, gone TODAY’ sometimes, so don’t mouth off too much OR put Frank down in front of ME.

 Tired crowd- 3 days of CAMPING.

 Just to PROVE to you how “out in the middle of no where” we were, have a look at the SHEEP in the background. This must be Germanys version of Ellington, Connecticut, as in “where the streets STILL have no name. Fresh air, sexy farmer type guys all around.Nice area, but no Woodstock.The biggest name there (on the day we were there) was Sick of it All ( an NY band who I have massaged before).

I will be photographed tomorrow for the cover of the summer issue of the Ex Berliner.They want to shoot me in a bikini-YIKES! So I have to do sit ups and look thin 🙁  hope it works.

But like my hero Frank Zappa sang “who wants to ride on an ironing board, that ain’t no fun, I tried me one, the bigger the cushion, the better the pushin’ “. Hee hee, that should be every womans anthem and come-back when someone complains about their curves.

I’m off to massage Trudie

Dr. Dot

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

 

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,

poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I can’t write much, it’s 7:30am. This night owl shit is outta control now. Jaquline is in town and wanted me to show her around a bit even though she is jet lagged BIG TIME. We met at my favorite restaurant, 44X10 and   she only ordered vanilla ice cream. I had the same salad I always have there, yes;I am a creature of habit. I think she looks gorgeous even though she hadn’t slept for 24 hours. She looks unhappy cause it was FUCKING freezing in the place. Why do Americans crank the air conditioning and then have the balls to serve ice water? You need to bring a sleeping bag and hot water bottle to eat out in the US in the spring and summer. She was ice cold, too stiff to smile at that point. Anyways, I put her in my hot rod and I drove like a maniac as usual cranking Led Zepp full blast with the windows down and heater on to warm up “Dr. JAQ” as she calls herself now 🙂

 

It was her FIRST time in NYC! She was amazed at the lights and how no one could understand her when she spoke German. She speaks Spanish and German. She kept trying to talk to our waiter in German, needless to say, it didn’t fly. Where are all the Spanish speakers when you need them? Usually I can’t find anyone to speak English around here, they all speak Spanish. I have to learn that now, I hate not being in on the chat.

Then we went to a karaoke bar and she started to grow very tired. She woke right up when I sang “ONE” by Three Dog Night ( I LOVE that song!) :

One

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one

No is the saddest experience you’ll ever know
Yes, it’s the saddest experience you’ll ever know
`Cause one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
One is the loneliest number, worse than two

It’s just no good anymore since she went away

Now I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday                                  

One is the loneliest, number one is the loneliest
Number one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
One is the loneliest, one is the loneliest
One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do
It’s just no good anymore since she went away
(Number) One is the loneliest
(Number) One is the loneliest
(Number) One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do  

 I destroyed that song. Lesson learned, I won’t do THAT song again! Funny, as it sounds awesome when I bang it out in my car. She didn’t sing, sadly. But I did loads of Led Zepp and kicked ASS on Kashmir, Black Dog, Whole lotta love -oh wait, I sucked at the Immigrant Song. Ever tried that one? It’s a tough one. Then later I murdered one more song before we hit the road: “Dream On” by Aerosmith. Once and for all, I have to face the facts, I am NOT Steven Tyler and I better stop trying to sing Aerosmith.

At least 4 people came up to me and told me I look like Adrianne from the Sopranos. I have never even seen the show, but hear that all the time. I heard she got shot in the show last week, so now it will be “you look like the girl who got shot in the Sopranos”. Nice one!

Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

                                   

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
How soft your fields so green, can whisper tales of gore,
Of how we calmed the tides

 of war. We are your overlords.               

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

So now you’d better stop and rebuild all your ruins,
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.

Dottie

Happy Birthday to my Dad. He adopted me when I was 1 year old and he was only 17! Taking on all that responsibility at such a young age. He is a strong man, super sweet and has the best sense of humor. To know him is to love him.

The photo above is of my dad and my step mom Allyson. Directly above is the both of them recently in Thailand. My dad married Allyson when I was 14. She has made him super happy and is a sweet country gal from Iowa. I only know of two happily married couples, one of them is my dad and step mom, the other is my gay uncle Jack and his husband Tom.

My dad is the one who turned me onto Frank Zappa when I was just a little wipper snapper. I am still grateful for that. My dad (Chet) can fix ANYTHING and loves to travel. He was born in RI but mostly raised in CT. He migrated south to Georgia though, where it is TOO hot for me to live. Chet and Allyson have been all over the place, Bali, Thailand, Switzerland, Holland, Germany, Egypt, etc, which is WAY more than anyone else in the family. In fact, I think that Chet, Allyson and my step brother Zack, Jasmine and I are the only ones in the family that even have a passport or have left the country.

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD 🙂  

I have got to get to bed, it is 6am and one of my best friends (and assistants) Jaquline is arriving tonight at 7pm. She is just spending one night in the city and then she is off to Utah (long story) so I have to show her around a bit in the city. Hope she can SING! 😉

Not looking forward to this Tuesday, when I have to sit 15 hours or so in a couple planes and taxis etc, to get to my flat in Berlin. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

I had so much fun in CT visiting my uncles and the wall of dogs, and some very special friends, I almost forgot about the sciatica hell I am in. I have to snap out of it soon, as Sir Sting is expecting a massage on June 15th. Hurt or not, I would never cancel a massage for my favorite client!

The other night I saw one of the BEST movies ever the other night “Something’s gotta give” with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton– absolutely wonderful. Ok, it may be a chick flick, but I found it amazing.

Dr.