Month: July 2005

          

        

Dear Dr. Dot,

I am a drug addict who has been clean for the past year, until my relapse… AGAIN the past two weeks. Been to numerous rehabs, but still chose to do drugs again. I am extremely depressed! My job is on the line. What do I do?? Help please!

Jessica

 

Dear Jessica,

If you can’t shake that addictive behavior, then find something else, something safer to be addicted to. Try sex, music, or fitness, ANYTHING but drugs. We are only here once on this earth, you are wasting time when you drink or do drugs (in excess). If you can’t seem to do those things in moderation, then don’t do them at all. I really don’t see the point in doing those things, as I have seen many people, including some very close to me; take their own life with drugs. It’s just a slow suicide that hurts everyone around you. It is selfish and dumb. Just quit cold turkey and ask yourself, “what is really bothering me?” Is your job boring? Unhappy with your love life? Don’t like the area you live in? ALL of those things can be changed! Just do it! I have changed my life so many times, and it feels great every time. You have nothing to lose if you are already down that low.  Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

My woman insists she is too chubby, but I like her as she is. She is always moaning about dieting and how we have to do it in the dark because she is shy about her full figure. She is taking diet pills and it makes her cranky. How can I finally convince her that I like her plump? Am I the only man that likes women big?

Justin

Dear Justin,

No, you are not the only guy who likes ’em big. Frank Zappa has a song that goes “Who wants to ride on an ironing board? That ain’t no fun, I tried me one; the bigger the cushion, the better the pushin”. When your girl mentions her flab again, say, “look honey, obviously I find you sexy, otherwise I wouldn’t keep trying to shag you.” Run that Zappa quote by her and bring some humor into the situation. Tell her you LOVE her big cushion!  Dr. Dot

 

                                                             

               

                      

                            May the force be with you….

I landed last Saturday night and usually when I land home from Europe, I am a zombie, never sleep on the plane, so I am tired as HELL when I get home. No time for that this time, I had to go home, shower and fight through the traffic to get to the Lion’s Den for the Chris Oppermann / Project Object show. Chris invited me to sing “I am the Slime” (one of my favorite Frank Zappa tunes) with him and the rest of the band. I had Mechel with me and we listened to it a few times on the way to make sure I won’t forget any of the lines. I mean, I know this song inside and out, but when you get on stage, you get this ‘deer in headlights’ thing come over you sometimes (add that with jet lag and wine and you may be doomed).

Chris sent me a couple of his cds a while back, (1) “Concepts of non-linear time” and (2) “Oppy Music vol.1: Purple Crayon” both of which are very complex and Zappa-ish. He is amazing. Some of his tunes are co-written by Mike Keneally (part of Zappa’s last touring line up) and Mike even produced (and co-produced) Chris’s cds. Zappa fans LOVE Chris. He is a multi-talented genius. You get the picture, the guy is good.

                  

                      Chris is towards the right, on keyboards in the Grey-Blue t-shirt ^

My camera is really pissing me off now. It is ONLY good for very up close shots (anyone wanna buy a ‘Sony Cyber-U shot’ camera? lol). If you look really hard, you can see Andre’, the mastermind and leader of Project Object wailing on guitar. It was awesome being on stage with them, singing and jamming to Frank.

                                                ^ Chris                                              me         ^ Andre’

                          

                                ^ Blurry, but that’s us mid-song….

Ok, caught wearing my Led Zepp shirt again, you may soon think that’s all I own, or maybe Robert Plant is paying me to do PR for the band, but I just love it, I will wear it until it falls apart. After singing Chris’s show, which wound up doing karaoke (remember, it was like 6am in my head by now from the time change). I was so over tired, but still yearning to be on stage screaming out some AC/DC tunes (my two favorites to sing now are Dirty Deeds and Highway to Hell). When leaving the karaoke joint, we spotted a broken down horse trailer in the middle of 2nd ave (super busy street 24/7). The truck toting the 3 horses broke, the part that hold the truck and trailer snapped off. I went into a Korean and bought carrots and apples to feed the hot, hungry and thirsty cuties. They were popping their mouths through the bars, drooling all over the side of the trailer, and Mechel and I were stranded in the middle of the busy street with them for a while, but oh what we do for animals! So that was a LONG Saturday night. Then on Thursday, Mechel, Ant (Antonio) and I all drove to Passaic Park, NJ for LIVE karoake with the “Super Fun Time Karaoke Band” at the Loop Lounge.

        

         ^  Mechel on stage belting out “I wanna rock and roll all night” by KISS

^ Me singing “Rock and Roll” (Led Zeppelin)

                                            

                                                 ^ Ant and Mechel in the lounge

For some reason I have no pics of Ant on stage. He sang “Live a Virgin” but in his Frank Sinatra voice, which was so awesome. He can do Frank Sinatra perfectly. Mechel was kind of shocked when her name was called, as she didn’t sign up for a song, but oh well, Ant and I picked one for her heh heh.It was her first time singing with a live band, and I am hoping she’s hooked now 🙂

                                                

                                                          ^ Posing on Ant’s Rice Burner

 

^ Me, Mechel and Ant (wearing a fireman’s raincoat that is 5 times too big in 95 degree weather. He’s just gotta be different lmfao. I know, I am posing so fucking cheesy, it’s unreal. That’s what tequila does to females, and I only had one margarita! Now it’s Monday night, had a miserable time on the Jersey Shore this past weekend, the hotel rooms smell of mold and there are NO good restaurants anywhere, just crappy junk food and crappy music, plus, it rained the whole time. Remind me to never go to the beach again, hello!

Went out last night (Sunday) and won a karaoke contest at Iggys (karaoke bar on 2nd ave in NYC). I won a whopping $25 bar tab, which I didn’t even dent yet, as they didn’t announce the winner until 3:45 am. I am dying to tell you what magazine I posed for, but have to wait a couple more weeks. There are a few mistakes in the text (6 page interview) but it’s too late, it already went to print (figures). I will set the record straight when it comes out, go over it with you bit by bit lol. If the photos look crap, I won’t even mention it, yikes! It’s the October issue, but comes out already at the end of August. Anyhow, onto Ask Dr. Dot:

Dear Dr. Dot,

How can I put this politely, my boyfriend has funky spunk. I enjoy giving him head, but when cums, I freak out from the taste. His sperm is chunky style and has a fishy odor, I feel like he is dishing out Chunky Style Clam Chowder! He is offended by this and we argue about it constantly. He would literally have to put his love juice in a blender and add flavoring to have me swallow it without yakking. Does one leave a loved one for such a thing? I love him a lot, but this is our road block.

Anti-Fish Fran

Dear Fran,

A man’s juice gets chunky if he isn’t cleaning out his pipes often enough. Have him wank on the days you don’t have sex and I bet he isn’t drinking enough liquids. Dehydration, even in the slightest form can chunk things up. If you want to dilute his clam chowder once and for all, tell him those tips; empty the supply often and keep it thin by drinking lots of water. The fish part, well, if he isn’t eating fish on a regular basis (you are what you eat, literally) then he may have a slight infection, which can cause that fishy odor. Good luck getting him to go to a Doctor about it, men usually hate that! If he is a big fish eater, ask him to cut down a bit, see if the taste and smell changes. If all else fails, tell him he is lucky to get head on a regular basis or give him a mouth-full of his Clam Chowder next time to taste, so he isn’t missing out on any of the, ahem, fun.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

You used to answer questions about health and beauty and other topics, so I was hoping you could help me out with this one. I have a hard time answering the question “do I look fat in this?”. Girlfriends and sometimes girls I don’t know ask me this and I just don’t know the correct answer. I don’t want to be honest and get my eyes scratched out if they really do look fat (which is the case most of the time) but yet I hate lying. I am tired of this pressure and understand why some men turn gay!

Tina

Dear Tina,

If you were my friend, I would want to know the truth. Try this, if the girl does look fat in a particular garment, say “That is not very flattering, try something different” (this statement can only be used at home, when there are other options to try on). If it is a close friend, keep giving that statement until she finds something that makes the best out of what she’s got. If there is nothing that helps her chubby ass, then say, “well, that one is the best, but you should really start exercising so things fit you better”. If it is a female you don’t know, say for example out a bar or club, just say, “You look fine to me” or “you are workin’ it!” because there will be nothing gained except a cat fight if you tell her “actually, you look like a sausage”. Tiny white lies are sadly part of life but may save your ass in such a situation.

Dr. Dot

 

ps. My friend/ Massage assistant, Catherine sent me a wicked funny video, click HERE for fun

                                  

Dear Doctor Dot,

My husband told me that he is bored with our sex life. I am devastated and worried that he will have an affair if I don’t find a way to spice things up. Lately when I initiate sex, he says he is tired or just not in the mood. We need a sex make over fast! Help!

Frida

Dear Frida,

I don’t see why it’s just up to you to save the love life; you are not his home entertainment system. I can give you a few hot tips, but wait until he approaches you for sex before you put them into use, as I think coming onto him could bore him at this point. Take a big mirror and prop it up against a wall and strip for him so he can see you from the front and back simultaneously. Have him sit in a chair while you kneel and give him oral, making sure he can see your pink parts while he is melting in your mouth. Another hot surprise is to give him a bag full of the following: A couple bananas, hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream, cherries and perhaps some ice cream as well. When he asks “what the hell is this for?” say “Make me into your banana split”. Let him decorate your naked, shaved body and then eat it off you. Be careful not to let the whipped cream get into your snatch, as it causes a nasty yeast infection. This is a messy treat, but one that will stay in his mind forever. Think up cute things like these but only whip them out once in a while, don’t raise the bar too high as he may expect you to shoot fireworks out of your pussy eventually.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and she keeps mentioning that she wants us to get married. I think its fine just the way it is, but she is persistent, almost giving me an ultimatum, as in, ‘we marry or I go’. I love her madly and don’t want to lose her, but I am afraid of marriage (aren’t most guys?). If you can solve this one, I will send you a fat check (just kidding).

Adam

Dear Adam,

You are preaching to the choir here, I am against the idea of marriage too. The masses will loathe my opinion, but it’s time to face reality, 50% of all marriages end up in a bitter, expensive divorce. Bring her out to dinner or a boat ride, some place relaxing and pleasant and tell her you love her and want to stay with her, but are afraid that marriage would actually drive you two apart. Remind her about 50% divorce rate and plead with her not to put your relationship into such a risky situation. You can still have a big party to declare your love for one another, but why the paper work? Ask her how many happily married couples does she actually know, that alone should shut her up. If she keeps pushing you, stick to your decision and tell her marriage is just not for you. If she really loves you, she will understand and stay with you, if not, you will find out fast, as she may leave you and find someone else who loves the id ea of marriage. Unless your partner is from another country, and you have to marry because of immigration laws, why marry and ruin the passion? Nowadays you can have a loving healthy relationship, even bringing up children together without all that pressure and paperwork. It is pushed upon us by the media, look how many people make a living off of weddings: dress designers, cake bakers, wedding planners etc, there would be a lot more unemployed people if we stopped tying the knot (and divorcing).

Dr. Dot