Month: January 2004

                                           

Getting to pet Courtney Love  was easier for me than most stars I’ve had my hands on. In the spring of 1999 my book had come out in Germany it on its way to becoming a best seller, giving me very much “commercial potential” in the eyes of the Media. Many companies approached me, wanting to sponsor me for this or that. The strangest offer was a Beer Company called Diebels Beer” (I have never even tasted a beer, its NOT my thing) BUT they said If I wore their t-shirts and use their towels back stage, they would set me up at all the summer rock festivals in a huge Diebles massage tent, all the Musicians would get my massage for free:Diebles would pay me a very generous lump sum everyday to massage them all AND pay all of my expenses. The best part by far was the constant flow of rock stars to my massage tent. This was ALL GOOD. After um-teen years of chasing work, convincing stars to try my great massage: now the tables seem to be turning, I was a star in Germany and now the stars were seeking ME out.Fucking awesome!!

At one of the biggest summer festivals, called the Southside festival, the line up of artists to play was amazing! Blur, Bush, Queens of the Stone Age, Skunk Anansie, HOLE, Guano Apes, Black Crowes, but for sure the highlight of the three day muddy rock fest was Marilyn Manson (read all juicy details about him in the Marilyn chapter). I already knew most of the bands. The Artist could stroll in and out of the massage tent whenever they pleased and get the crackin Dr Dot massage for FREE, normally I am expensive, and stars are so spoiled! It didn’t take long before arguing occurred between several artists as to who was next. Marilyn Manson got snotty, as usual, that he wasn’t first. He had a hissy fit, which lead to me hanging a list out side for the stars to sign up for their rub, and if they weren’t there when their time came, it was NEXT!!

It was cool to come out of the room and see Damon from Blur sitting next to the drummer of Bush, both waiting for their name to be called. It was no easy task for me to slip out to the toilet for a quick pee.When I did, I came back to hear “where have you been?” from Gavin of Bush or whoever.

Most of the artist at the gig, I already knew and have massaged in the past. All except Courtney Love and HOLE.I was determined to get my hands on her, as she is so controversial, I wanted to find out if it is true what everyone says about her, is she BITCHY? CRAZY? Manipulative? Or is it all show? PLUS, a lot of people complain that it seems I mostly massage male stars.” How come there are hardly any women on your flyer?” to which I reply “Excuse the FUCK out of me, but there are more men in the music biz then women.” I actually PREFER to massage women, as they have less hair on their bodies, which means I have to use less oil, AND they don’t get the normal “massage stiffy” either, which is always an awkward moment!

Hole is 75%  women, so this was bound to be a shaved adventure for me. I was massaging the chicks of Hole, and heard this LOUD female voice yelling at my tent  “Dot! I need Dr. Dot!” It was Courtney Love. The backstage area was this circle of trailers and in the middle was the MTV tent, and next door was my massage tent. And facing my tent door was Courtney Love’s trailer.

It didn’t take me long to realize, she is pretty much how I imagined. What you see, is what you get with Courtney. That’s really how she is. Some stars, by the way, are complete opposite to what you imagine, like the singer of Simply Red, Mick Hucknal, OR the WWF’s Undertaker, they were both COMPLETELY different as to what I expected, this is what drives me to meet and rub stars.

Courtney had her arm hanging out of the trailer, with a bottle in her hand, and she’s going “Are you DOT? Come here!” “O.K, Im on my way” I yelled. I got my oil, and headed to her trailer.” Come in here, are you the girl who gives massages I want mine in my trailer.”

I couldn’t believe how packed her trailer was with incredible clothes, it was a woman’s paradise. Dresses with wings, sequins, feathers and bells, I could imagine she and Stevie Nicks went shopping together!! In one corner sat a very plane Jane woman with a good keyboard, trying to get Courtney to sit down for her voice warm ups.

Courtney sat in front of her Hollywood style make up mirror, while a woman curled her hair and attached tiny mirrors to her blonde locks.

I asked Courtney,” what do you need massaged?”She had Etta James music playing really loud on a boom box, while she was doing her own makeup.” Start on my calves, they are killing me!” I start to massage her firm, shaved legs and notice she is doing her face up so pale like Edgar Winter. She uses hardly any eye make up, but does her lips Blood Red. Her lips, which I found out later, are all natural, could easily rival those of Angelina JOLE.Her lips must be nice to kiss, I thought to myself.

 Her eyes are absolutely breath taking. When you see her up close, you see how sky blue they are and that she has flawless skin.Anyhow, she was powdering her face and talking to me the whole time and asking the usual, where I am from and why the HELL I live in Germany, etc.She would change the subject constantly, which I am used to .She was very blunt and open, and I felt like she trusted me and knew me for years. I find that stars either open up like that OR do the opposite and remain silent, or act distant, like Jerry Garcia did.

 Courtney was in her underwear; she had NOTHING else on, as it was HOT as hell in her trailer. The cheesy fan in the corner was doing nothing for us… There was a lot of writing on her stomach, and I asked what it was. She writes the set lists on her stomach, and it hadn’t washed off from the night before.

An assistant came in delivering a newspaper from England and started ripping it open to show Courtney the review of a show they had just played there. “OH GOD!! Look at that picture,” she yelled. “I look nasty; I can’t believe they print such ugly photos!!” That put her instantly in a bad mood. I am going to wear pants tonight, fuck that, now I’m in a shitty mood!!” I said “No way, you should wear a dress! That’s exactly when women should wear a hot dress, when you are tired and hung over, in a bad mood. A dress will make you look and feel gorgeous and feminine.” (And guess what? She wore a frickin white dress that night, slit so high up, you could see her underwear! Yeah baby!!)

Now I start massaging her shoulders while she sits at the mirror, and she’s very fit, very tight. There’s hardly any fat on that woman’s body. Very pale skin. I don’t think she’s ever gone out in the sun. So there’s a woman still doing her hair, I’m doing the massage, she’s doing her makeup while swiggin off  her bottle and at the same time doing her voice warm ups  “La La la la LA” .“Do my feet, Dot.” She orders. So now I am sitting on the floor, in between her legs, doing her feet and Gavin Rosedale of Bush walks in.(There were rumors at the time that Courtney and Gavin were having an affair. Courtney is very hot for Gavin, who’s voice sounds a lot like her ex,Kurt Cobain of Nirvana.

Gavin is in her trailer now,and Courtney stands up,doesn’t bother searching for a robe to throw on and greets Gavin with a huge sexy smile.Gavin has no choice but to clock her body for a second,but then kept his eyes on her face the rest of the time. Courtney is standing rite in front of Gavin, chatting away, not covering her breasts, as if that was the norm.

They were laughing about the concert in England and the review in the paper. He wished her a great show and she was standing there glowing, almost melting. This behavior was a far cry from a few minutes ago, before Gavin came in. She went from Demanding Diva, ordering everyone around, drinking and swearing, to this poised, feminine pussy cat. But then again, don’t we ALL act a bit different in front of the opposite sex?!”

When Gavin left, another guy came in, and Courtney introduced him. “This is my boyfriend, Jim; I want you to massage him when I’m onstage.” I agreed…”  She was ordering me around, but I found it cool, somehow exciting to see the Diva in action. She is bossy, funny and the girls got BALLS!

She then announced “everybody out, Jim and I want to be alone now.” So we all bounced.

Shortly before Hole was to go on, I started massaging Jim in my tent. He started chatting, and told me how he and Courtney had met. Some how during my massage, people get verbal diareha, it’s GREAT!! I get the stories that no reporter would ever get! He said he worked at the record company and was summoned to rescue Holes last record, which needed a lot of production work. He said he “came in and untangled everything, then we fell in love.” Jim seems smitten with Courtney and he told me “I would do anything for her.” Suddenly there was this vicious screaming going on rite out side the tent.

 We both run outside and it turns out, Holes  stage manager, this big fat English guy, had used the women’s bathroom. And apparently Courtney went in as he was coming out, and she’s freaked out on him.” This is the LADIES room you FAT FUCKER!! “He screamed back at her “Bugger off!! Shut your hole!” which was like throwing gasoline on Courtney’s fire. She picks up a trash can and threw it at him.Marylin Manson’s girl friend at the time, Rose McGowan, was also in the bathroom screaming out the door at him. Then Courtney’s bodyguard tried to stop the fight, and the English guy was yelling “No one tries to hit me! FOOK THAT SHIT!!!” By now everyone was all gathered around, watching this big fight. People from MTV, all watching, and the stage manager picks up a trash can and throws it against another toilet trailer, screaming, “I don’t give a fuck who she is. She’s a bitch!” .Courtney takes off her shoes in a huff and whips them at him. Then her body guard finally drags him away kicking and screaming.

Courtney and I went into my massage tent, and I tried to calm her down. She was really going off about how men use the ladies’ bathroom all the time –apparently her pet peeve!! Jim was in the production office sorting things out. The stage manager was fired on the spot and asked to leave the premises. He stormed out of the office, yelling British profanity at the top of his lungs. I kinda felt sorry for him. Luckily Courtney wasn’t in sight or it might have gotten really ugly- another round of flying trashcans and shoes.

After her performance, Courtney wanted her full-body massage. So fasten your seatbelts! Prepare for fun! Her whole body was covered with body makeup and glitter. When I started the massage, it was all mixing together with my oil, making this brown soup all over her back. It looked like gravy with glitter in it.

Then Courtney asked me to go get her makeup girl and tell her to bring water and a whole lot of wet towels. While I was massaging her, the girl was bathing her with towels, taking off all the stage makeup. While she was working on the legs and lower body, I was doing her upper back.

Massaging Courtney made me think of Ron Wood of the Stones, who until then had been the most restless client on my massage table. He had a zillion things going on at once. Cigarettes in one hand, playing CDs and cassettes on the stereo right next to the massage table with the other, calling people on his cell phone, and talking the whole time while sipping his drink.

Then there’s Courtney. She’s busy, busy, and busy. Moving around, talking, answering the phone, telling her producer/ boyfriend and makeup woman things to do for her, chain-smoking, and the whole time entertaining me with conversation that just boggles the mind.

Courtney had this amazing amount of jewelry in her hair. All these little round mirrors. The makeup woman was plucking them out, along with these four gorgeous pewter combs with glass beads hanging off them. One accidentally got left behind and I found it the next day while packing up. I still have it in my rock and roll room.

Courtney told me a little about her boyfriend, who I had massaged during her show. She is proud to say he doesn’t smoke or drink, and he really stabilizer’s her. I told her I’m glad she has such a mellow, grounded guy. We agreed that relationships between two stars rarely work out. “Yeah, look what happened with me and Kurt,” she said.

As I massaged her inner thighs, Courtney took a long toke off her cigarette and said, “Dot, if I was a guy, I’d have a hard on right now.” That made me giddy. I like a woman who speaks her mind.

Then she goes, “Dot, which Hollywood star would you like to fuck?” And I go, “Jude Law, Matt Dillon maybe, but definitely Johnny Depp. He’s delicious.” And she goes, “Don’t bother. He has a dick like this,” and she held up her little finger. “What!?” I asked. “Yeah, my girlfriend’s been there. Don’t waste your time.” My fantasies were crushed to hell, I thought. Johnny’s packing a teenie weenie. Well, there’s always oral sex.

Courtney went on, with a cigarette dangling from her puffy, sexy lips. “But Leonardo DiCaprio. He’s hung like a donkey.” And she held her hands like a foot apart. I was  just screaming with laughter at this point.

Then I flipped her over onto her back so I could do her feet. She’s lying on her back, still smoking, wearing only this silver,Mesh  G-string, totally not shy. Does not care that her tits are out. She has one hand under her head like a pillow, and she’s using the other to smoke and gesture with.

As I massaged her feet, I complimented her on her outrageous arches. “You have beautiful feet,they’re amazing.”I said. She goes, “It comes from my days of dancing.” “Dancing?” I asked. “Which kind? Ballet? Modern? Jazz?” “No, no,” she said. “Stripping. I used to be a stripper.” You could see it in her eyes that she’s definitely been through a lot. I kept telling her positive things like, “Yes, and look how far you’re come. You’re doing great.” I told her she reminds me of Janis Joplin, but cuter.

“Really?” she asked. “That’s funny, because I was just offered the lead role in a movie about her life.” I told her that sounds totally perfect. “I might do it,” she said, “but they have to change the script. I’m not completely happy with it.” What a weird coincidence. During the massage with her boyfriend, I told him I think that Courtney is like a modern-day Janis Joplin. I asked her if she liked Hollywood and all the movie people. “They’re all full of shit and fake,” she said. I asked her what she thinks of Madonna, and she moaned,“Oooh,She’s a bitch. I admire her success, but she is totally psycho.” I thought they were good friends. “Well, there was this party we were both at,” she explained. “And Madonna, even though we had only met once at the MTV Awards, she was acting like we were best friends. Clinging to me and being really loud and obnoxious.” Funny thing is, I can imagine Madonna saying the same thing about Courtney.

Then I asked about Gavin from Bush. I was getting a little daring. I’m massaging her stomach now. “Oh, he’s a cutie,” she said. We’ve known each other a long time now. He reminds me of Kurt. I get Goosebumps when I hear him sing. But it’s just a friendship. One time in France, Kate Moss, Gavin and I almost had a threesome, but I freaked out and left. We are just like brother and sister now.” There was a little pause, and then she goes, “Dot, can you massage my tits?” This woman does not beat around the bush.

I’m telling you, she has a very sexy, body. I could go on and on and describe her radical curves, but as a masseuse I have limits. Courtney was getting Dr. Dot’s royal massage. Head, face, breasts, stomach, every inch of her body but that ONE spot was being spoiled by my hands.

Later on, after midnight, I was chatting with the guitarist from BUSH, and Courtney and Gavin came up together and invited me into Bush’s trailer for a drink. Gavin had also had a killer back rub that night (all details naturally in the BUSH chapter), so they were thanking me with a glass of wine. I wanted a photo of Courtney and me together, so she sat down for Gavin to take a picture with my camera. He took photos of me massaging her, and then Bush’s keyboardist took pictures of us three together. These are the moments that make my job the best, I know, its ONLY Rock and Roll, but I LIKE it!!

 

No, it’s not MY burger. As if! My ass isn’t that boney and I don’t do clam/cheese burger shots. I am sure to get flack for this from my conservative friends, yes, I have conservative friends, but I have to have some artistic/humorous outlet or I will start to go insane. I have been getting a lot of whiney emails that I don’t Blog enough, but I have BOOKS to write and edit. I ponder cleaning up my FOR MEN ONLY book, omitting the swear works ( I don’t really want to as swearing is so fun, especially during Christmas time ( or insert your religious Holiday here). But , alas, I take the advice from the slightly older and wiser female friends of mine, Andréa and Betsy, who insist if I am to go mainstream ( think Ophra) that my swearing slang won’t fly.

If I can help more people by going mainstream (and earn more money) then I have to conform now don’t I. So this naughty cheese burger is a rebellious statement before I settle down and behave. I posed for AP (associated press you dummy) on Monday and did