Q.
I was wondering if you could tell me where the line is between
charming persistence and creepy stalking. It sounds corny, but I’ve got a
crush on a girl, and I don’t want to ease so much that she falls for someone
else, but I also don’t want her to get a restraining order against me; not that
I’ve done anything to merit one. My problem is I have plenty of confidence,
which I’ve been told is the most important thing, but my form is – how should I
put this – potentially intimidating.
At 6 feet tall and 255 lbs., with growing out damn near every hole in me,
I’ve been told by people who know me that to people who don’t, I look like a
crazy mountain man. Of course, almost all of their suggestions include the words
"scissors", "contact lenses", and "American Eagle"; or something to that effect.
I am very fond of my mane, and the ancestry that it comes from, and see no
reason why I should have shave down and spend half my paycheck on my
wardrobe? To make a long story short (too late, I know), I need to know if there
is indeed a line between persistence and stalking, and how to identify it. I
would imagine it’s different for every woman, and if so, is that an indication
of what type of woman she is? I would greatly appreciate your input on the
situation as a woman, as listening to my male friends has led to nothing.
willing to learn,
Mountain Man
p.s.: if you could, please use my question in your column. I’m sure there
lonely souls out there, both male and female, who are lonely as well; simply for
lack of knowing where the line is drawn.
A.
Try to tune into her actions and tone of voice when you talk to her:
Does she sound happy to hear from you when you call or say hello?
Does she smile and look into your eyes? Does she tell you when she is free?
It REALLY helps if you tune into a girl’s signs. If we don’t like a guy, we
find excuses to avoid meeting up with them and we turn off (not smiling, ending
each conversation as fast as possible). Ask her out for lunch or to a movie, if she
says yes, she doesn’t hate you. Also, never call a girl everyday, as this may
either bore her or make her too secure. Keep her on her toes by quality not
quantity communication.
Things that are NOT a good idea are (a) showing up at her home or work place unannounced-
and I mean NEVR do this, even if you are dating for a long time. It’s still called
STALKING and is the biggest, creepiest turn off! (b) Book a vacation for two without
asking her. These kind of surprises are too pushy and in my eyes, a sign that you are in
for more controlling behavior, even if it is disguised as a generous gesture.
Just because you are a big hairy oaf, doesn’t mean girls
won’t fall for you. A lot of women love big, hairy men. They want the opposite
of themselves, someone big and warm to protect them. Yoko Ono sang it best "every man has a woman who loves him".
Chin up and keep trying.
x
Q.
I have a Fart question. I know you have written about how to avoid farting in
front of your lover, but these one cheek sneaks can’t go on forever, can they?
I live with my boyfriend now and he farts around me, so when can I start farting
around him? This is the first time I have lived with a guy and my first long term
relationship. I don’t want to let it all hang out and loose him, yet I hate running
to the bathroom every time my ass is acting up. When can we fart without shame?
Bloated Bellamy
A.
Ah, the Fart Threshold. An inevitable part of living together. If he is already telling
you he loves you, then it’s ok to let one rip in front of him. You simply have to know
if his love is real or not. Who wants conditional love? ("if you fart, I won’t love
you anymore"). You can make it fun by blaming it on him and then laughing. Men fart all
the time, their dogs fart all the time, so they will only be shocked the first time they
hear you cut one. When it does, giggle and quickly change the subject and act like it never happened.
Q.
I just broke up with my boyfriend a little over a week a go, and I did agree to
be friends. Problem is, he does not seem to get that we have broken up. He still
calls me more then 10 times a day, still calls me pet names, and still thinks we
can go out on random dates. Recently I planned on going out on a date with
someone new. He didn’t seem to get that I didn’t need his help with the new guy.
He just kept calling that whole day asking if I needed help getting to where I
was meeting the new guy. He just doesn’t get it. He still even says he loves me
and goes in between saying ‘I want you back’ and ‘if you want to move on, don’t
let me stop you.’ What do I do about the clingy psycho?
Another problem, I’m interested in a guy that is in my lab. Can’t quite tell if
he reciprocates the feeling. What are the normal signs you males give off? What
can I say? I’m bi and mainly spend my time girl watching. Not seeing of a guy
likes me back.
Beautiful Bi Bitch
< Think of ways to turn him off; he WILL stop calling.
A.
You wrote "What’s the normal signs you males give off?"
I am curious as to why you think I am a male? I am a female, Google me Bitch.
Anyways, I am also curious as to why you ended it with your ex. This would help
me help you. It is normal after a break up that one still holds on, so his behavior
isn’t really psycho, he just can’t seem to let go as easy as you can.
You must be able to see his number on your phone when he calls, so stop
answering his calls if you REALLY want him to stop calling! You are not doing him
any favors; you are merely making him suffer as he wants more than friendship and
you don’t.
You have to tell him the truth. If you want him out of your life, tell him you want
a change and you need time alone to think. Even if you think there is a slight
chance of you two getting back together, tell him you need time to think. You need space and time.
Take advantage of the Caller ID on your phone and stop answering him.
About the guy in your lab. If you can’t tell he likes you, it isn’t even worth
your time. Men let the ladies know when they are interested. It’s not the female’s
job to drag it out of him. Men pursue, women are pursued. Naturally this doesn’t
apply to gays/lesbians/bi’s. But if it’s a heterosexual man you want, let him lead,
for the best results.
Q.
Is it safe to cum inside my pregnant wife? I don’t want to make her have twins or cause any harm.
I hate condoms and I am too horney to wait until it comes out.
Freaked out Frank
A.
You are either too naive or dumb to be procreating anyways, but I will answer you to calm your nerves.
No, it won’t harm the baby (unless you fuck around with other women without a condom and drag some nasty
disease home to your wife). And you can’t get pregnant women pregnant again.
Q.
How can I politely hint to my girlfriend that I want to buy her a new pair of tits for Christmas? Hers are
nice but less than a handful. I love her but need more Breasts.
Tittie Man Stan
< MA MA
A.
She will either be offended (imagine she bought you a penis extension because your knob wasn’t big enough for her)
OR she will let you buy them and get turned on by all that extra attention she is suddenly getting from men
(her confidence may soar) and she may want to try them out on those other, adoring men, who also love her new
implants. Unless your girl asks you for them, it’s probably better just to enjoy what she has and use your
imagination. Don’t fix what isn’t broken.
Q.
I am probably too young to be reading your column (I am a 15 year old girl) but I learn a lot from you and education
is never a bad thing. I am on the pill and sometimes I forget to take one. I have a steady boyfriend and yes,
we do screw very often. My question is, what if I sleep over his house and forget a pill or two, can I make it
up by taking them when I get home? I don’t want to get pregnant; my Dad would kill both of us.
Little Suzy
A.
No, you can not make up for forgotten pills. If you take two at once, you will throw up violently (well, it may take 3
to make you blow chunks). You just have to be religious about taking them. Take one every morning you wake and if you
miss a day, take it the next morning you can. The only way to avoid getting knocked up is by using condoms or not fucking
at all. If you missed a day or two, put a rubber on him to be extra safe. If he whines about the condom (like most guys do)
tell him it’s sexier to wear a condom than to be changing diapers.
Q.
I have fallen for probably one of the most unavailable men on the planet and can’t get myself unhooked. I keep showing up
at his gigs, as he is a hot Brooklyn rocker dude, he keeps coming home with me, or in the past, me to his, and we have sex
– which is OK. And then he leaves a few hours later. The sex has been increasingly more like ‘meat and potatoes’ mainly because
I think he does not want me to get too attached to him and fall in love. He never takes me out on a date – we only have sex
after his gigs, I am a 38 year old groupie to a 40+ rocker.
Why do I do this? Because I love the warmth he creates at
his shows, because I think he is a brilliant writer and I am in love with his voice and have found so much music I like through him.
This has been going on and off for a year and a half. I don’t want to marry him – just have some sort of passionate breakthrough –
how can I make him feel something and show it?
-Groupie Love
A.
First of all, if you fall for unavailable men, you may subconsciously feel you don’t deserve to be loved. Dig deep, find out why and fix it.
I am totally against trying to convince a man to like you. The men either love you, or they don’t. I have also been in your shoes,
and it doesn’t feel good, it feels like you are number 2, or maybe even number 3 and that is not good for one’s self esteem.
You are settling for tiny scraps of affection he tosses your way when it’s convenient for him.
It may go on like that forever, or until you demand more.
Dating a pop/rock star is never easy (look at Jerry Hall, Pam Anderson, Heather Locklear).
If the man isn’t head over heels for you by now, he never will be.
I am sorry if you were expecting tips on how to convince him to love you, but I have to speak my mind. Great blow jobs do keep a man happy,
but you should only do that if you like to do it, not to convince a guy you are the one for him.
Successful and famous men are used to having women fall at their feet and do whatever they want, whenever they want, so they usually end up
falling for a women who doesn’t give a fuck about their fame or fortune, one that acts indifferent; one who is a challenge. All men LOVE a
challenge and face it, you aren’t one for him. You are his booty call, and maybe not his only booty call.
Shake things up a bit by not being available for the monthly meat & potatoes. Maybe it would heat things up if you went to one of his shows
with a hot male "friend" to finally see if he gives a shit or not. I totally understand the groupie love; the hero worship; I would probably
do the same for Paul McCartney, but then again, I would pretend to not really care about who he is, like Heather did when she met him
(yeah, right, an English girl who doesn’t know who the Beatles are… BULLSHIT! ). Only difference would be I wouldn’t fuck it up like she did.
