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One great thing about having my column in the Ex-Berliner magazine, is that I can write really blunt, you know, rated R if I want/need to. Land of the free?
I don’t even think you can SEE how cold I was, as my tits just shrank up inside me, like a mans balls would in such FREEZING weather. This is one of the photos from the Ex-Berliner cover shoot. The smile is FORCED out of me, it is so cold at that time (8pm) and it was colder than a whores heart that day. In fact, I think that is the only day I saw the dam sun in Berlin. No, the day I was leaving, the sun came out full force, as a one final “fuck you” to me on the way to the airport (where I get scathed for being American) what a day. I did snap some shots of my house and street to give you an idea of what it looks like there. Notice there is NO trash or even gum on the ground? It is so clean there you can eat off the street.
Shot above is my street, next to it is the front of my house, below is the courtyard, it is SUPER quiet.Below left is Lucy, my half Rotweiler-Pitbull mix. She and Frankie would make GORGEOUS puppies if they ever got to meet and breed. Frankie has been castrated, poor fella.
That thing on Lucys nose is not to pervent her from ripping your ass off, it is to prevent her from pulling MY ass down the street.
ASK DR. DOT (Ex-Berliner Column) |
Look how CUTE Frankie is too, yanking on the rope. He growls viciously and LOUD during tug of war. Tough guy.“You give skin care advice don’t you Doctor?” Yes, I told him. He whipped his pants down to show me many red bumps all over the skin between his belly button and penis. “My wife likes a clean shaven genital area, so I have been getting Brazilian waxes for her, to encourage her to spend more time down there, but when the hair grows back in, I break out and it is itchy and looks nasty.”
Yes, I agreed, it looks unflattering. Well, I gave the guy a sample of this lotion you can get at most beauty supply outlets, called “Tend Skin.” Apply at night and again after shaving, this will help.
Let me just comment on this whole metro-sexual trend that queer eye for the straight guy has started. Women usually like the natural look, and if you have too much hair down there, trim it with scissors, but going through all that pain and trouble to make it look nice for her/him, well, I just don’t see the point. First of all, men’s genitals are not the prettiest things on earth, so the hair kind of camouflages it which is a good thing. Second, most women orgasm better when they are on top by rubbing their clit on the aforementioned area, between the navel and penis. If it is hairy, put some KY lube on there so she can slide better, but by shaving, well, you are bound to have SOME stubble there and this will hurt her clit like a cheese grater would. I personally like a guy to look like a GUY, hairy and all, not plucked, waxed and dyed (unless you are a porn star, why bother?). But if you insist on dragging your hairy ass down to Heidi the German bikini wax pro, then pick up some astringent for your bald jewels while you are at it.
Dr. Dot, “I partied all night long and need to look gorgeous tomorrow, help!” That is an easy one. After your drinking binge, go home and eat something, say a piece of pizza (hey, if you drink all that a few carbs won’t matter anymore) or a baked potato to absorb some of the poison heading towards your poor liver. Swallow a couple aspirins and sleep as much as you can (with window open for fresh air).
Morning: For an immediate face lift and zit killer, take a couple aspirins (the BEST is to squash a couple with an Alka-Seltzer pill) and crush them with the bottom of a glass into powder form. Add a half teaspoon of water and mix to form a paste. Quickly take paste, rub it over face in circular motion, avoiding eyes. You should feel a tingly sensation that slightly burns. Leave on for five minutes or more, preferably lying on your back with legs straight up against the wall to kill two birds with one stone. You could even lie there for 10 or 20 minutes letting the blood leave your legs and head towards your face, making you feel and look rested. Wash off and take an ice cube, get it wet and smooth all over face, including under eyes. Then moisturize face with sun block and under eyes with a dab of Vaseline. Take some vitamin C tablets, a cup of strong coffee. If you are a woman, use minimal eye make up, but darker lip shade than normal (distract em from your tired eyes) and tie hair back for instant face lift. Visine to top off the routine and you should look as good as new for the day, then go home and sleep your ass off and don’t do that again (until next week).
I massaged a man who lives in the SAME apartment building as Charlotte does in Sex and the City. Park ave- SAME building. How fun that was (and lucrative).
Gotta go, sand man is whipping sand in my eyes
Dr.Dot